Ezinye izindlela zokuthatha umfazi oyedwa: ingxoxo nodokotela wezengqondo
Abavikeli bobudlelwano bendabuko baqinisekisa ukuthi “abesilisa nabesifazane badinga ukugcina izibopho ezikhethekile ukuze kuqinisekiswe ukuqhubeka kwezinhlobo zezilwane, futhi asikho isizathu sokuthi kungani lokhu kungenzeki, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi indlela esiqonda ngayo ubuhlobo isithuthuke kangakanani. .uthando”. Uthini umbono wakho ngalesi sitatimende?
Njengengxabano kimi kubonakala sengathi impofu, i-reductionist futhi ikude neqiniso lomuntu lomphakathi/elisebenzayo. Ngicabanga ukuthi uma sinquma ukuxhumana nabanye abantu, ngokuvamile sikwenza siqhutshwa indlela labo bantu abasenza sizizwe ngayo, ngokujabula kwenkampani yabo nezinye izenzo ezishukumisayo, hhayi ngenjongo eyinhloko newukuphela kwayo yokuzikhiqiza kabusha.
Okunye okungiphatha kabi yigama elithi “isidingo”. Ubudlelwano obunempilo busungulwa ngokuthandwa noma ukukhetha, hhayi isidingo. Kunoma yikuphi, futhi ukuthatha ukukhiqiza njengengxabano, angiboni ukuthi lokhu kungahluka kanjani noma kungahambisani nezinye izinhlobo zokuxhumana ezifana ukuvula ubudlelwano, i-polyamory noma ngisho nesiphithiphithi esihlobene.
Ngabe ucabanga ukuthi ukushada nomuntu oyedwa kungokwemvelo noma kuyingxenye yemvelo yethu?
Lutho neze. Eqinisweni, izilwane eziningi ezincelisayo zenza isithembu. Abantu bebengahlali bebodwa (isithembu senziwe isikhathi eside futhi emasikweni amaningi) futhi lolu shintsho endleleni esihlobene ngayo lwaluhlobene nokuhlanganiswa kobuKristu kanye nezindinganiso zabo zokuziphatha-zenkolo emphakathini. Ukube bekungaphakathi emvelweni yethu, bekungaba khona ukungathembeki okungaka?
Ucabanga ukuthi yini enqumayo ukuthi umuntu uthambekele ebudlelwaneni bomuntu oyedwa noma unquma phakathi kokunye esikhundleni sokuba nomfazi oyedwa?
Emfundweni etholiwe, ingqondo evulekile, ukucabanga okujulile mayelana nezinkambiso, izindinganiso ezibekwe njengokungakhethi futhi ezingekho ezinhle noma ezithandeka kuwo wonke umuntu, okuhlangenwe nakho kwangaphambilini okuthinta ucansi, izibonelo zokubopha kwabazali, ukwazi noma ukuxhumana nabanye abantu abenza noma landisa kwenye imodeli yothando, njll.
Abantu abazibheka njengabangama-polyamorous noma ama-anarchist obudlelwane bavame "ukucwila" phakathi kobudlelwane obujwayelekile bokushada nomuntu oyedwa. Kumayelana nani lokhu?
Okokuqala, cacisa ukuthi kukhona umehluko phakathi kwe-polyamory kanye ne-anarchism yobudlelwane. Ku-polyamory, umqondo wombhangqwana kanye nokwehlukaniswa kwawo kwezinye izinhlobo zobudlelwane (okungokwezigaba noma okungezona ezingokwesigaba) kusasele, kuyilapho ukungqubuzana kobudlelwane kuzama ukubukela phansi sonke isakhiwo senhlalo esibekiwe ukuze kuqedwe izinkolelo esinazo futhi sicabange mayelana nobudlelwano.
Ngicabanga ukuthi ukhiye usesipiliyonini. Okusho ukuthi, umuntu ongeyena oyedwa (noma ngabe i-polyamorous noma enye inketho) angakhetha ngesikhathi esithile ukuze alondoloze ubuhlobo obukhethekile nomunye umuntu, kodwa ngokusekelwe ekukhetheni noma ekuthandeni. Kungaba okuhluke kakhulu uma umlingani wakho, umphakathi noma wena ukuphoqa. Ekugcineni nangamazwi omngane "ubungeke uphile futhi wenze uthando njengoba ucabanga futhi uzizwa" futhi lokhu angeke kubonakale emzweni wokucindezelwa kuphela, kodwa futhi nomuzwa wecala, isihlamba, ukuvalelwa, ukunganaki, njll.
Kungenzeka yini ukuthi umuntu ozibheka njengomuntu oyedwa angaba nobudlelwane nomuntu ongashadile naye?
Angase. Okusho ukuthi, njengasesibonelweni sangaphambilini esihlongozwayo, kungenzeka ukuthi umuntu ongeyena oyedwa unquma ngesikhathi esithile ukuba yedwa nomuntu oyedwa. Kuyiqiniso, futhi ngombono wami, ukuthi uma izimo zishintsha futhi kunqunywa ukuvula ubuhlobo noma ukugcina ubuhlobo obuningi nabanye, uma umuntu oyedwa ehlangabezana nalokhu njengento embi, engavumelani nayo futhi idala ukungakhululeki, kakhulu. kungenzeka ukuthi ubudlelwano buzophela.
Kuchazwa ukuthi i-Relational Anarchy "ayihlukanisi ngokwezigaba umuntu ohlobene naye ngokothando nomuntu ohlobene naye ngaphandle kothando." Kusho ukuthini ngempela lokhu?
Isiyaluyalu sobudlelwano sihlose ukubukela phansi sonke isakhiwo senhlalo esibekiwe ukuze kuqedwe izinkolelo esiziphethe futhi sizicabangele mayelana nobudlelwano. Empeleni akuhlukanisi phakathi kobudlelwano bezothando nobungeyona ezothando. Isibopho ngasinye sihlukile futhi sakhelwe phezu kwabantu abasenzayo, izimo, njll. Amalebula athi “umngane” noma “umlingani” ayanyamalala, kodwa umthwalo wemizwelo usala kulobu budlelwano.
Ukuze ube nobudlelwano obuhlukile ku-monogamy, udinga uhlobo oluthile lokufunda?
Ngendlela efanayo ukuthi, isibonelo, abantu abazalwa "machista", kodwa kunalokho siba lapho sihlangana nomphakathi kanye nezindinganiso zawo, kulokhu kwenzeka into efanayo. Akekho ozalwa i-anarchist, i-polyamorous noma i-monogamous, yakhiwe. Ngokweziqondiso, zizofana kunoma yiluphi uhlobo lobudlelwano, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ukwakheka kwalo: ukuzazi, ukuxhumana kanye nemithwalo yemfanelo eminingi engokomzwelo, phakathi kokunye.
Ukungazethembi kuhlobene kangakanani nesifiso sokuba nobuhlobo bomuntu oyedwa? Ingabe abantu abazethembayo bathambekele ekufuneni ezinye izindlela zokuthatha umfazi oyedwa?
Ngicabanga ukuthi kungaba khona abantu abavikelekile nabangavikelekile kuwo womabili amamodeli ahlobene. Nokho, abantu abavikelekile bangase babe maningi amathuba okuba bacabange kabusha ubudlelwano, ikakhulukazi igama elithi izidingo nemikhawulo, uma kuqhathaniswa nalezo ezingaphephile futhi lokhu kungase kuholele ekugxekeni okukhulu kothando lothando, uhlelo lwe-hegemonic oluthinta ubulili kanye namamodeli ahlobene nezinhlaka. Okusho ukuthi, ukuzethemba okwengeziwe nokwazi okudingayo nokufunayo kukuvumela ukuba ugxeke kakhulu izakhiwo namamodeli athile.
Umona kufanele ulawulwe kanjani? Ingabe ukuphathwa okusondelene noma njengombhangqwana?
Umona uwukusabela okujwayelekile okungokomzwelo okukhona ukuze usazise ngokuthile. umona kungaba eguquguqukayo, inqobo nje uma besazisa, bayasisiza ukuba siqonde ukuthi yini eyimbangela yabo futhi lokhu kusenza sikwazi ukuzixazulula noma i-maladaptive/ukungasebenzi kahle uma sihluleka ukuwaphatha kahle. Ngakho-ke, inkinga ayikho ekutholeni umhawu ngesikhathi esithile, kodwa kulokho esikwenzayo ngalo mhawu (ukuphatha okuhle noma okubi ngokomzwelo). Mayelana nokuphatha kwayo, kumele kube nguwe kanye nokaphathina wakho, ukhumbula ukuthi ukuxhumana ngendlela esizizwa ngayo kuzosiza ekwandiseni umuzwa wokuqonda, ukweseka kanye nokusondelana nomunye umuntu.
Iziqondiso: Ukukhetha ukuzijwayeza nokungazihluleli ngokwethu ngokubhekana nokusabela okuthile okungokomzwelo, ukuphenya izizathu zokuthi kungani singaba nomhawu (ukwandisa ukuzazi kwethu) nokuxhumana nomlingani wethu ukuthi sizizwa kanjani ngokulawula umlingani wethu, ukuvimbela, njll.
Esinye sezizathu ezimele i-AR ukuthi “ubudlelwano obuqinile kufanele bube nengxoxo nokuxhumana njengesizinda sabo esimaphakathi, hhayi njengesimo esiphuthumayo esivela kuphela lapho “kunezinkinga”. Akumele yini bonke ubudlelwano bube kanje? Kungani kunezinkinga eziningi kangaka zokukhulumisana phakathi kwabashadile abavamile?
Impela, lokhu kufanele kube isisekelo somhlaba wonke kanye nendlela yokuqhubeka nokwenza kahle kuzo zonke izinhlobo zobudlelwano, ukushada nomuntu oyedwa noma cha. Ubudlelwano abaningi bababhangqwana bugcina bungaphumeleli, phakathi kwezinye izinto, ngenxa yokuntuleka kokuxhumana noma ukugcinwa kwamaphethini okuxhumana angasebenzi, okuthi, ngaphandle kokubhekana nenkinga, kube yinkinga uqobo. Ngakho-ke, ukwazi ukuxhumana kubalulekile, kodwa ukwazi ukuthi kwenziwa kanjani kahle, ngenhlonipho nangokugomela, kubalulekile.
Njengesiphetho: kudingeka imfundo eyengeziwe yemizwa evumela ukuthi sikwazi ukukhomba imizwa kokubili kithi nakwabanye, silindele, sizilawule ngokomzwelo.
Ukuze siqale ukukhuluma ngalezi zindlela ezingasetshenziswa esikhundleni sokuba nomfazi oyedwa njengombhangqwana, yini okufanele siyenze?
Okokuqala, yithi awukho umusho "womlingo" noma ongcono kunomunye ongathuthukisa ngawo ingxoxo. Engivame ukuyisebenzisa ithi “(igama lomuntu), ngingathanda sikhulume ngokwenzekile”. Ukuxoxa noma ukuxoxa ngesihloko esithile akunzima, okuyinkimbinkimbi ukwenza ngendlela efanele ngesikhathi esifanele.
Ukukhulumisana ngokugomela, okungukuthi, ukukhuluma ngomuntu wokuqala, kusuka kumzwelo hhayi ekuziphatheni komunye, ukugxeka noma isihlamba, ngokuvamile kunciphisa ingozi yokuthi omunye umuntu uzothatha ingxoxo njengokuhlasela komuntu siqu ngakho-ke eduze nenkhulumomphendvulwano. Ukuhlonipha isikhathi sakho nesomlingani wakho lapho ukhuluma nakho kubalulekile, kanye nokwazi izinga lethu lokuvula lapho sikhuluma. Uma sinovalo kakhulu, sithukuthele noma sigcwele imizwelo, cishe ngeke sikwazi ukuxhumana ngokuphumelelayo.
Ukuya ekwelashweni ngokwengqondo kungaba yinketho enhle yokufunda kanye/noma ukuthuthukisa amakhono okuxhumana nabantu, kanye nokwelapha izinkinga zababhangqwana lapho izixazululo bezizanywe ngaphambilini ngaphandle kwempumelelo.
